People are so completely incomprehensible sometimes. We look at the actions of others, and think “why would they do that?” and “what were they thinking?”. Often we explain their behaviour by ascribing them traits. Someone cuts you off and runs a red light? They’re obviously a jerk.

What we so often forgetting is that inside everyone’s head is a consistent story. They’re doing what they’re doing because it makes sense to them at the time. If the person who cut you off at the lights has someone bleeding out in the back-seat and is speeding to the hospital, then their actions seem heroic, not jerky. But to us, the outside observer, we come to the wrong conclusions for their actions.

Unfortunately, we misattribute people’s behaviour all the time, even when those people are close to us. For me personally, October has been incredibly stressful. My father’s in hospital, I’ve spent weeks on divorce negotiations, I’ve been travelling far more than has been comfortable, there’s been tax, housemates moving out, housemates moving in, conference talks to write, work deadlines to meet, and my todo list is full to bursting. And that’s just the things I’m willing to talk about publicly.

I know for certain during this time that I’ve come across to some people as unreliable, uncaring, unresponsive, or unfriendly. That’s not been my intent, and I’ve tried to explain as best where I can, but sometimes explanations are not always possible. The best I can hope for is that others give me the benefit of the doubt.

So, I have a request for you, and it has nothing to do with me. The next time you think that someone’s uncaring or rude, the next time you think someone’s unreliable or inconsistent; the next time you think someone must dislike you because they’re not responding to your communication; then please think for a moment. That person has an internal story where their behaviour makes sense. If their behaviour seems puzzling to you, it may well be because you don’t know that story. So please, give them the benefit of the doubt. They may not be as big a jerk as you think.